The Things We Remember
TW: explicit sexual talk
It's strange. The things we choose to remember. It's almost self sabotage. I remember the way you said my name for the first time with that southern accent that used to make me melt and probably how you got to me so easily. The outdoor lights that they never fixed because hell they knocked that place to the ground were flickering. I remember the night you tried to stick your hand down the front of my pants while we were laying on the couch talking to our friends. You had no shame, did you? You made me feel like I was in the wrong for not wanting that on display. How I ran out of your apartment sobbing and sat in the shower for hours. How you always seemed to have everything figured out while I was a mess. I'm still a fucking mess because of you! I can't allow myself to not get so attached to a shred of kindness in someone because of how badly you fucked me up. I've come to the realization years and tears later that most everything was a lie. You just wanted pussy, I wanted a connection with someone. I used to say I was in love with you but no, I wasn't. I was in love with the idea of the person I thought you were and as I sit in a cafe and reflect on this almost 3 years later I realize that I was your toy. I used to apologize for loving you. That's so fucked up. I shouldn't have to apologize for opening my heart to someone and loving them. I take a sick sense of pride in the fact I never made you cum. Which one of your many bitches made you cum that day, huh? I actually met another one of your lovers. It makes me vomit to even type that. In a different fucking state years later and you were both messing around with us. Fuck you. I've made men crumble to their knees. I know the power I hold by being myself. Whether that be in daily life, romantically or sexually. Looking back it's almost like I knew the day I saw you last that it would be the last time you would ever ever touch me. You were rougher with me. You left a permanent scar on my body but no I brush it off if someone sees it with casual lies. "Oh I'm a dumbass and fell." What would your little followers do if they knew? I used to question what I did wrong, was I too naive? Still to this day because of you, I blame everything on me.I hope you're happy. I hope all the other girls were worth this. Did you enjoy fucking all those other girls? I bet you did. You love the attention. It's why people think you're a fucking saint. Fuck you. You broke me so bad that I couldn't believe the one person who actually treated me right and wanted to love me. You don't deserve my energy. You taught me exactly what I don't want Thank you for letting me go.